Embracing Change: Navigating Life After Loss

Shortly after we lost my mother, I realized that my dad, as amazing as he is, would need extra help—especially with my nieces. You see, my parents have been active guardians of my nieces for just over five years. They’ve been trying to balance the joy of being grandparents with the responsibilities of being parents. I always secretly felt bad for them. Even though I knew they were more than happy to have my nieces full-time, it felt like it robbed them of the joy that comes with being actual grandparents. You know, the kind of grandparents who load you up with sweets, spoil you rotten, and then send you back to Mom and Dad for structure and routine... that part of being grandparents.

This situation led to so many unnecessary fights between my mom and me. I felt she was way too easygoing with the girls, and they weren’t learning any form of responsibility or accountability. I never took the time to respect the fact that she was just trying to be a grandma. What I should have done is exactly what I'm doing now. I was just so caught up in my own issues and didn’t want to step on my parents' toes. Looking back, I realize the damage that could have been avoided had I stepped up sooner. But, you know, hindsight is 20/20, and I refuse to live with regrets (spelled like that on purpose).

Establishing a New Normal

As we settled into this new "normal" way of life without Mom, and as summer came to an end, I began putting together routines for the two girls, just like I had been working with Zabrina on. At first, I was terrified that the girls would end up hating me or that it would cause so much drama that it wouldn’t be worth it. So, just like I did when I decided to introduce Zabrina to a habit routine filled with to-do lists, chores, and healthy habits (along with a reward system), I started slow.

The first step I took was sitting down with the girls and explaining the reasoning behind the changes. I didn’t want it to turn into a situation where I was just forcing them to help more around the house. Instead, I wanted it to feel like a team coming together to get our home into a more functional order and keep things running smoothly. I explained the extra pressure that had been placed on the adults when it came to keeping up with all the things Grandma used to take care of. I also told them that their opinions mattered to me. As long as they understood that it was necessary to have a standard set of house rules, and that there were tasks that HAD to be handled, I was more than willing to talk things out with them and consider their suggestions.

Creating a Chore System

The following week, I created a list of chores around the house that I knew the girls could handle, along with a starting list of rules. I already had tentative plans for which child would be responsible for each task, but I decided to ask the girls which ones they thought should be assigned to whom. That weekend, we had another "Botner Meeting" and discussed the chore list. I was surprised when the girls willingly distributed the chores amongst themselves. I was even more shocked when I noticed they had chosen the exact same chores I would have assigned them (with the exception of the animals they were responsible for feeding, which I had flip-flopped).

I followed up the chore selection with the new "rules" list. I explained to them that these rules would serve as a baseline for the entire household, ensuring everyone treated each other and our environment with respect and appreciation. I then asked each girl what they thought was important to add to the house rules list.

Not surprisingly, Zabrina was the first one to chime in with, "Well, we shouldn't hit each other," and I wrote it down. I took notes as I watched them work together to form what is now our list of house rules, with very minimal input from me or Uncle Chicken (Clayton).

The Unexpected Turn of Events

I told the girls we were going camping the following weekend, so the chores wouldn’t take full effect until the week after, which would also be the first week of school. But I was completely caught off guard when, before we went camping, each of them had started doing the chores they picked out.

We are now in week five of chores and official rules starting, and what a growing process it has been for the entire family. Along the way, we’ve had many "negotiation" moments and "what in the heck do we do now" moments. But overall, it is starting to bring on a sense of routine in the house!

The Power of Teamwork

As I reflect on this journey, I can’t help but feel a sense of pride. Watching the girls step up and take responsibility has been nothing short of inspiring. It’s like we’ve created our little community within the family, where everyone has a role to play. The laughter, the occasional squabbles, and the shared sense of accomplishment have woven us closer together.

I often think about how important it is to foster an environment where everyone feels valued. When we work together, we not only lighten the load but also create memories that will last a lifetime. It’s a beautiful reminder that even in the face of loss, we can find ways to grow and support one another.

Looking Ahead

As we continue this journey, I’m excited to see how the girls will evolve. I’m eager to introduce new routines and habits that will help them thrive. After all, personal growth is a lifelong journey, isn’t it? I can’t wait to see how this experience shapes them into responsible, caring individuals.

I know there will be challenges ahead, but I’m ready to face them head-on. With love, patience, and a sprinkle of humor, I believe we can navigate whatever comes our way. So here’s to embracing change, fostering growth, and building a supportive community within our family... together.

And you know what? If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure about how to create a supportive environment in your own life, remember that it’s okay to reach out for help. Sometimes, all it takes is a little guidance and a willingness to adapt.

Let’s keep growing, learning, and supporting each other on this beautiful journey of life.